The Missing Monologue

For those of you that don't know, I recently performed a song-and-dance (mostly just song) number in Grantsville's Old Folks Sociable. Because I live a ways away, I didn't practice with the group until the night before. Consequently, I didn't know exactly what the format would be so I prepared a little monologue of sorts in case I had the opportunity to talk for a minute to introduce my number. (I probably spent more time thinking about my monologue than I did practicing the number itself, which probably showed). At any rate, those that attended know that the format didn't really lend itself to a monologue so I didn't do it. But I thought I'd share it here. If you don't like it or think it's very funny, that's fine. Keep in mind that some of my best "jokes" (my sister McKell likes to put the word "jokes" in quotation marks when talking about my attempts at humor) were censored by my editor.

Without further ado...

"So when Mrs. Baird (she was my first-grade teacher, she will always be 'Mrs. Baird') called and asked me to perform in the sociable, she said that 'someone' on her committee (she had conveniently forgotten who exactly) thought I'd be perfect for it. I immediately thought that either (a) my mom was on the committee or (b) someone was playing a cruel joke. It wasn't until I talked to my mom last night that I learned it was actually (c), all of the above. (laughter)

"So they asked me to do 'Singin' in the Rain', which was made famous by Gene Kelly, who was one of the great singers and dancers of all time. Interesting that they picked someone who can neither sing nor dance. (mild laughter)

"You'll also notice that I have a beard. It's a little-known fact that Mr. Kelly was originally going to do 'Singin' in the Rain" with a beard...but just before filming began he was put in the Elders' Quorum Presidency and the Stake President asked him to shave. (mild laughter)

"So yeah, I'm really not much of a singer. Vocally, I'm more of a Tom Tripp than a Tom Stam. (uproarious laughter)

"And choreographically, I'm really no Annie Millward or Alexis Watson. I apologize for using their maiden names but I don't know their married names. To be honest, that's how I prefer to think of them anyway...single. (booing and hissing)

"Thanks, you've been great.

"I'm singin' in the rain, just singin' in the rain..."

Running without Going Anywhere

Since I've begun running, people are always surprised that I do all of my running on a treadmill. I typically don't watch TV (unless someone else at the gym has it on). I don't listen to music or podcasts because I could never get headphones that would stay in my ears once I started sweating profusely (note: this happens quite early in any run). So what do I do? I think. I figure fractions in my head of how far I've gone. I count down the remaining time. I stare blankly at the wall.

Anyway, a bullet-point list of why running on the treadmill works best for me:

• The treadmill is easier on my joints. I figure if I'm going to be a runner for a while, I need to do what I can to take care of my hips, knees, and ankles. I've found the treadmill deck to be much more forgiving than pavement, road base, cement. I know some people live near nice, cushiony running trails. Good for you. I don't.
  
• I don't have to deal with the elements. It's not freezing cold. It's not scorching hot. The wind isn't blowing against me. I hate running in the wind and it seems like it's always windy.
• I can control my pace. I know there are advanced GPS gizmos out there that help with this, but I like being able to set exactly how fast I want to run.
• I don't have to carry water and carbs for long runs. I know when you run races, you have drinks and stuff at stations along the way, but when you're training?
• I don't have to figure out a route for how far I want to run that day that starts and ends at my house.
• No dogs barking and chasing me.
• Can it be boring? Sure. But I don't really see that it's significantly more boring than running outside.
• I can go to the gym, run, and shower during lunch so it's not cutting into my family time in the evening or forcing me to get up much earlier.

I guess that's about it.

Now I'm not not trying to convince anyone that runs outside to run on a treadmill. To each his own. And I know that when I run races outside, I'm going to be sore in a whole new way. But for now, it's what works for me.